I sought my soul,
But could not see,
I sought my God,
But He eluded me,
I sought my brothers and sisters,
and found all three.
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Hi my
name is Stacey S.
I am
Grateful
to be Alive
and I'm a compulsive gambler.
my last bet was 02-26-06 and this is my story of hope.
01/21/07
On The Road To
Recovery
Peter W. was right. "To
Recover is to Discover"
And that is what Iv been doing as I go and I dint even know it.
The GA Blue Book said to know why or to understand the reason for this
addiction may not be what we need to recover. but for me somehow it is a
question I keep asking.
I knew in my heart I was a good person. I remember the first time I was
heading to a meeting, I was afraid to go. I imagined all the folks in
the room would be scary people.
I had visions of Cons and Thieves. Well in discovering we find that's
what we all have become. I guess the once that are scary may never over
come their fate. because I have yet to meet a scary GA member. We are
the girl and boy next door. we are all good hearted folks wanting to
feel the peace within we once knew. We want to live. We want to over
come our past. We want to be truly honest with ourselves and the ones we
love and have yet to meet.
And that is why we walked
into the room .
We are ready to get well.
We all walk in broken and torn.
I had walked into the room 2 years ago. I came to 2 meetings and somehow
thought "OK I GET IT" I have it all under control now.
I did not gamble for about a month. and then the following month I had
decided because I felt like I had it under control I could maybe gamble
a little bit. just take a few dollars and leave the Casino winning and
if not no big deal, because I would only spend what I took in like the
Folks that can gamble for entertainment only.
WRONG! That first time out, I managed to do more damage then I had done
in 3 Months. I spiraled completely out of control for a full year till
my 6 foot hole was dug.
And that is when I returned to the room again broken, torn, bottomed
out. I answered all 20 questions with a YES
I am now approaching my 1 year GA Birthday
Looking back over the year I am amazed at the pieces of my life that are
starting to come together.
This second time I
walked into the meeting room I was so broken, my life was such a mess
personally and
financially. I was so confused. I had destroyed my credibility with my
family and friends and I had ignored my finances and books for my
company that I worked so hard building and owned. I had papers stacked every where. I had not filed
my taxes for 2 years. I was behind on my taxes for 4 years. my credit
cards were maxed out, interested was building by the day.
I was physically falling apart. My health was being effected.
I at that point had answered all 20 questions Yes. and that means I was
even ready to take my life.
I had had truly hit the bottom.
The first few meetings
were sitting with my head spinning.
The first few months was taking inventory personally and financially.
And as I started working the program my head started clearing.
Just sitting listening and sharing and knowing I was not alone. and
hearing others proved hope to come. My family
could see I was working on it so with that a ounce of trust started to
appear and with that it gave me the strength to continue further.
With being able to start lifting my head up from dragging on the ground
I stared shuffling threw boxes and boxes of papers. sorting and organizing and entering into
QuickBooks I worked threw the year
completing my companies books. Calling the IRS. and stared to make restitution to
those I owe. slowly but surly.
I made a list of folks that I loved. Family and Friends people I knew I
wanted to inform about my addiction because they were dear to me. I
wanted them to know and knowing telling them might be taking a chance of
losing them.
But for me to tell them would help me surround myself with folks that
cared. Those I could turn to if I needed to talk. or just to have on my
coition's. one not to gamble two so they know the complete truth and my
life would not be living in a lie. I am done with the lies. Its all
truth from here.
I still
have a long way to go. I will be paying financially for a very long time.
I will be paying emotionally most likely for a life time. but with each
day it gets less painful. because I know by working the program I can
only make a amends to those I can. including myself.
I work hard every day at it.
I have a sponsor Wayne L. We all need one and it is highly recommended. I will admit I don't call my sponsor like I should. I call him every few days. But I should call him everyday even if it is to just call and hang up. This is a area I need to work on. We all have a hard time with it seems. I think that's because with addictions comes anti social issues. and calling your sponsor helps to work in these areas.
I have discovered so
many things about my self along the way. I know when this all began I
think I was running from
my life. I had worked hard to start my own company. It was going well
but not the way I had dreamed and hoped. My work requires travel,
and human contact 98% of my life. I think I was trying to run out of my
skin. I found solitude, fun, excitement, the filling of anticipation,
with my adrenalin running for hours. I was high as a kite sitting in
front of the slot machine. But even it at some point in the night would
be just become going thru the motion. pulling the handle till it would
pull no more because I had lost every dime I had.
Now with time and distance from gambling I'm stating to feel the other
things in my life I forgot how to feel about. I can taste foods again.
before I just crammed it down because I was in to big of a hurry to get
back to gambling or to sick to eat because I had done so much damage.
I get excited about holding a dollar in my hand because 2 days later its
still in my pocket. who would of ever thought that?
I look forward to evening at home with my family.
before I could not wait for them to go to sleep so I could get on the
internet and gamble. That was the death of me when the slot machine came
right to me in the comfort of my own living room.
Every night was a night out on the town and I dint have to talk to a
soul.
A soul now that is something I can truly feel again. My soul
within. I can now feel grateful, blessed, forgiving, humble and
thankful.
I can feel love again and truly mean it from my heart.
And from the my heart with full of love I want to say ,
Thank you to GA , My Family And My God.
Sincerely, Stacey S.
Rick F.
Peter W.
Richie B.
Barry P.
Biff K.
Anna B.
John H.
Wayne L.
Chris R.
Steve Z.
Alison G.
Rob B.
Jay R.
Pat N.
Stacey S.(Story Link)
Tony M.
Bob S.
Lawrence H.
Jack K.
Polly K.
Scott C.
James P.
Mary Ann Z.
Kat G.
C .W .
Norris T.
Sherry W.
Kelly M.
Carl B.
Sean N.
Todd E.
Terry S.
Carol C.
Calvin S.
Valerie K.
Jeff W.
Greg A.
10/15/1987
03/20/1999
04/04/1999
08/07/2001
12/09/2003
09/01/2004
10/13/2004
05/05/2005
06/16/2005
07/21/2005
07/23/2005
12/31/2005
09/19/2005
01/06/2006
02/26/2006
03/14/2006
03/19/2006
04/09/2006
04/23/2006
04/00/2006
05/19/2006
06/06/2006
06/10/2006
00/00/00
07/08/2006
07/15/2006
10/08/2006
07/30/2006
08/09/2006
08/13/2006
09/01/2006
09/14/2006
09/15/2006
09/19/2006
10/08/2006
10/09/2006
11/11/2006
The Hope
Rick F.
Peter W.
Richie B.
Barry P.
Biff K.
Anna B.
John H.
Wayne L.
Chris R.
Steve Z.
Alison G.
Rob B.
Jay R.
Pat N.
Stacey S. (Story Link)
Tony M.
Bob S.
Lawrence H.
Jack K.
Polly K.
Scott C.
James P.
Mary Ann Z.
Kat G.
C .W .
Norris T.
Sherry W.
Kelly M.
Carl B.
Sean N.
Todd E.
Terry S.
Carol C.
Calvin S.
Valerie K.
Jeff W.
Greg A.